They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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