If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize