Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
