My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
