i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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