I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
