Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
