my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
