He asked to "fluff my boner.."
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize