I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
