is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
