I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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