Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
