My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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