Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
