So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
