I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
