I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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