matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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