He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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