I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
