Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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