The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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