Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize