she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I party with great urgency now.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
