i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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