Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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