The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Randomize
