You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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