I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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