I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
