I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
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