i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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