He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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