from now on my penis is your penis
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My ATM looks so different sober.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
