I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
