im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
