I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
