Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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