I hate all girls vehemently.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
