i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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