So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
