my phone needs a breathalizer
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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