please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
