Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
