the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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