I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
