Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
