i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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