i just sent this text using only my big toe
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
