and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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