i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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