A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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