I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
