what day is it and did you see me today?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
