I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
operation harelip BJ is a go
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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