I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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